Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
