my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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