Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize