I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
