On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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