love makes seman taste better
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
