I bet he comes in French.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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