Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
