I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
