I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A+ Viking dick
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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