you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
