mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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