Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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