Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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