tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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