You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm eating all of the evidence.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
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