It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
