i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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