stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
