I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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