I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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