trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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