I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You did what with his pubic hair?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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