true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
