He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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