I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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