omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
