Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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