You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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