You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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