i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
