I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
