When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
