I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
