Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
