The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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