I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just had sex bonerless
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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