So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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