my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
