I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
