The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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