I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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