Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
