dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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