If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
