Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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