dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
