just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
