You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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