I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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