dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
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We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
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trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You pole danced in your parka.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.