Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.