Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
