Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
