I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
