if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I love having hate sex.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
