She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
