I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Let's get the cat blown out
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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