Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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