my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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