I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
